Not funny - July 17th 2009

In the last month, I have done 2 things I have never done before: the first was to mop the floor. My room mate had a new fangled style mop that took me a few minutes to figure out how to use but nowhere as long as the 20 minutes to find the on/off switch on the vacuum cleaner a while back. I only remember the ‘dolls head’ mops from my childhood that used to stand upside down in the corner of the kitchen near the back door to dry.

The other thing I have done for the first time, although have been tempted a few times over the years is to walk out of the cinema before the film ended.The film that first got me in this way was, I’m pretty sure my very first time in a New York cinema watching Honeymoon in Vegas. I just remember it being excruciatingly painful because of a weak female character – I never like that in a film and I have blotted out the actual plot. The last film I really didn’t enjoy was Mama Mia. I love Abba and the musical I saw on Broadway. The first 30 or so minutes had me sinking into my seat with embarrassment but then, when all the adults started arriving on the scene, it was very funny. I don’t know if I’d want to see it again though and it put me off my guaranteed to put you in a good mood Abba music for just about a full year.This week, there is absolutely nothing on I want to see or even see again and I make a very bad choice.Admittedly I don’t realise it’s a ‘Bollywood’ film until I go and to buy my ticket and can not pronounce the title so I ask for the one at 4.30 that has Sylvester Stallone in it. I’m still not convinced so the guy swings round his screen to point it out to me. I take the ticket muttering something about sub-titles.This film is bad from the titles, before the opening credits even start. And then it gets very, very bad. It starts insufferably loud with irritating, what can only be described as replica hip hop music (apologies if it’s a bona fide hip hop talent) and a montage of all that’s vulgar about LA; the beach bods, the money, the stars, the size zeros, the stars again (the ones on the floor this time). I for one don’t even want to fly over LA just in case I pick up that hopelessly shallow gene and cannot be more disinterested in celebrity culture if I tried.That’s the first 3 minutes.And then it gets bad.I swear there are 2 of those preposterous bollywood dance sequences in the first 10 minutesThe basic plot is of a Bollywood stuntman who apparently is a bit of a chauvinist – although I can’t detect that he was overtly so. On the other hand his opposite number is an irritating, spoilt, man- hating model/surgeon (obviously) although I never get to learn why she is such a ***** towards the opposite sex. Their paths keep crossing until he has an accident on the job and guess who’s down to perform her first every surgery.I understand that Bollywood films have everything in the one film; we cannot have separate, thriller, comedy, romance, drama, musical – it has to be all there in one colossal hit on the head. But this, being a Bollywood film based in Hollywood is angling at being one of those teen movies that is clearly not aimed at me but has all the slap stick humour that I imagine is contained in this genre.I’ve never seen one of those films but do you know of any where men and women can call each other insulting names, or where women can be slapped so often? It’s not even funny.My walk out part came when the self styled single starlet tells her newly married, virginal best friend to withhold sex for 3 months so her husband can prove her love for her. How degrading. I thought it was OK for women to admit they like sex since at least the 1960s?Over acted doesn’t cover it so bad acting is all I can say. And there was no sign of Sly Stallone in the first half which would have been the only thing that may have made it interesting. Unfortunately there was an interval in the 138 minute film so I couldn’t make the dramatic exit I had been planning from the opening credits.To think I was berating myself for being a snob as I walked into screen 4 feeling as though everyone was watching to see what I had chosen. At least now I can legitimately say these films are awful and never need watch one again having seen one. Well half of one.Oh well. If I didn’t come back early I wouldn’t have written this.PS I have kept out the name of the film as I have to respect that many people will love it so you’ll have to work that out yourself dear reader!