Journal - April 2nd 2010

Could it be any more ironic?A year to the day since I came back from New York, I finally move into my own place, another step to getting my life back.Ironic as I take my final step into getting some sort of order into my life and then I find out that the BF and I are no longer a unit.Yes it’s a heartbreak hotel situation and I’m pretty sure the first time a boy truly breaks your heart is not meant to be in your 40s. If it ever happened in my youth, it’s now not bad enough for me to recall it.The worst thing is not just that heart break comes, but that it comes from nowhere. I start resembling the happy, positive soul I have been all my life, minus the last 12 months, and then it’s like a hurricane coming back to take away all that I have built up. It takes all my effort not to let myself be dragged back to where I was this time last year.We were fine up until our Valentines Day call and then one email later, he disappears from my life. Nothing. No jokes. No emails. No funny texts. No updates. No next trip plans. Just nothing.Just me in an empty flat that I imagined him in before I’d even moved in. What will he make me in the kitchen? More surprising, what will I make for him? What will we watch on TV? Which restaurants will we walk back from? How much warmer will the bedroom be when he’s here. Yes I know the likelihood was that there would only be a week or two of him sharing this place with me but I had built up a fantasy round it. Just likeI had before each of our previous three transatlantic visits.Ironic still that this would have been the time to book my visit to the US Embassy to apply for a new visitor visa so all these long periods apart could have been behind us. I was only waiting to find out when he was going to visit so the appointment didn’t clash with him being here. I wouldn’t have wanted to a waste a day of his trip locked away on my own in a cold, heartless place. Ironic that.It’s been a few weeks now and two weeks since he finally agreed for me to call him to talk, only for me to decide I’d said all I wanted to say in the final email and heard all I could bare too in his all too sparse emails.The next few months are for me to immerse myself in my new work challenge, do boundless writing, get a new social life, write a book, take another New York writing course, on-line of course and do lots of travelling. I’ve already started with a return trip to Cornwall, next month it’s Edinburgh before going further afield. Can you believe I’ve been to the other side of the world and never been to Scotland?